The Case of a Succubus
by omaomae
Summary: A succubus hungry for human energy is on the loose, and she's after Akko's believing heart! Or something along those lines. Everything gets crazy from there.


**AN:** What is this monstrosity? I sure don't know.

This is something I thought of in the shower almost three months ago. Therefore, this is canon up to episode 21. Meaning: magic has not been restored to the world, the whole soccer debate thing hasn't blown up in anyone's faces yet, Akko still has the Shiny Rod, and she can't fly on a broom. You can say this is an AU episode that branches off from the series and doesn't really fit in with the timeline.

Please keep in mind that this is pure weirdness and by no means should you take it seriously. I tried to keep this as in-character and believable as possible, but there's a certain point where I just sort of said "whatever" and rolled with it. I guess you can say this is my poor attempt at humor.

Without further ado, have some fun reading about kissing and marriage lol.

 **Disclaimer:** Do people still do these things? Anyway, I do not own Little Witch Academia.

* * *

After another long day of blunders, Akko wanted nothing more than to melt into the floor. Just thinking about the spell literally exploding in her face made her want to run her hands down her tender face and groan. There was only so much failure she could take before it ruined her confidence. She might be Atsuko Kagari, the 'doki doki no waku waku' witch, but that didn't mean she wanted to fail and/or injury herself _every_ time.

Or ever. Anyone who liked inflicting injuries upon themselves should probably go talk to someone about that.

"Well, at least the damage wasn't too bad," Lotte tried to comfort. She wasn't wrong; the blast had been contained to just Akko herself.

But even if her injuries were easily healed with magic, that didn't mean Akko's face hadn't suffered any pain. That feeling left imprints in her memory even after the physical wounds were gone.

Akko pouted. "I just want to get it right for once. I'm sick and tired of everything always blowing up in my face."

"Or making you fall flat _on_ your face," Sucy commented.

"Sucy, not helping," Lotte said as Akko groaned again. "Akko is definitely improving. She needs encouragement, not words that will only make her feel worse."

"Man, you messed up big time today," came an extra but familiar voice, doing exactly the opposite of what Lotte said.

The three girls of the red team turn their attention to the American girl of the green team.

"Oh, hey Amanda," Akko said. "Where's Constanze and Jasminka?"

Amanda shrugged. "Who knows? I wanted to talk to you, Akko. Preferably alone."

Sucy squinted her eyes. "There's something off about her."

Lotte blinked quickly behind her glasses. "Now that you mention it…"

Amanda shrugged again. "Well, whatever. A few extra people doesn't make much of a difference."

Akko tilted her head to the side, obviously confused. "Um, what's up? You need something?"

Amanda stepped forward, getting close enough to Akko that their faces were only a few inches apart.

"What is it about you? Why are you so special?"

"Eh?"

"You have no talent for magic, that much has been made clear. And your magical energy reeks of backwater origins."

"Wait wha-?!"

"Yet, the Claiomh Solais chose you. And it is clear you can use it to its full potential. Your magic capacity is also something to behold. I'll admit, you're not the perfect choice, but I suppose you'll be good enough."

"I still have no idea what you're sayING?!"

Amanda cupped her hands around both sides of Akko's and leaned in, her lips getting closer and closer to Akko's…

Only to pull away and leap back before a stray magic spell could hit her.

Akko blinked, her mind clear now that there wasn't someone two centimeters from her face. "Eh…?"

Lotte and Sucy both still had their wands raised in defense at Amanda. They moved in front of Akko, blocking her from Amanda's path.

Amanda sighed. "This is why I preferred to be alone. Still, you two recovered way too fast for normal girls. Did my aura not have an effect?"

"Ah, so that's what that disgusting feeling was," Sucy said. "Those things don't really work on me. If you were going to get me hot and excited, you should have chosen something else. And Lotte's more in touch with this stuff compared to the rest of us."

Meanwhile, Akko was still lost. "Eh? Eh?! What's going on you guys?!"

"This person isn't Amanda!" Lotte said.

"In fact, they might not even be human," Sucy added. "It doesn't feel like something a human should be oozing out."

Akko cocked her head to the side. "Oozing? You mean this weird suffocating feeling? I thought that was just me feeling embarrassed."

"Ah, I guess someone as dense as Akko wouldn't have experience with this. Magic or not."

"I think there was something implied in that statement, but I'm too confused to follow right now."

Amanda, or whoever she was, clicked her tongue. "Enough of this. If you won't move and let me claim my prize, I will have to use force."

"Yup, definitely not Amanda. She would've barrelled over us by now."

"Very well. I can do that too."

Amanda charged forward without waiting another second. Lotte and Sucy fired a spell to keep the girl away, but she contorted her body so that the spells barely passed by her body. Amanda was athletic and had some crazy acrobatic moves, but this was ridiculous; the human body shouldn't have the ability to twist like a Twizzlers licorice candy.

Lotte's eyes widened. "EH?!"

Sucy knew this was something beyond their level of capabilities. But as Amanda continued forward again, she could only mutter, "Oh, that's not good."

Amanda came up between the two girls and shoved them away with such inhuman force that they skidded through the grass far enough for them not to interfere. Their wands flew from their hands, also out of reach. Now, there was nothing between Amanda and Akko.

Akko's face flushed red as Amanda's face came close to hers again. "Wait, wait! Are you okay, Amanda? Do you need to go to the nurse? Um..."

Amanda loomed over her, her hands resuming their previous position and held Akko in place.

"W-Wait! Th-This is my first kiss! Not that you're not a good person, but I want it to be magical!"

"Is this not good enough?" Amanda whispered. Her sultry voice was laden with an intoxicating scent that only made Akko want to hurl and keep her feet planted on the ground to prevent herself from throwing up. "I can promise to make it even more...magical."

"But this is my first kiss! I just don't think you're the right one! You're a nice person, but I don't think you're you right now! Wai-!"

But once again, Amanda was forced to pull away and jump back before she could be hit by another spell.

Amanda clicked her tongue. It was already annoying for someone to interrupt her once. A second time was truly pushing it.

This one was different. There was only one spell this time, but it was stronger than the previous two combined. The source of it…

"D-Diana?!"

Akko could have cried from relief. For once, she was willing to see Diana's pretty, haughty face if it meant getting away from Amanada's really out-of-character flirting. If anyone could fix this mess, it was the ace of Luna Nova herself.

The platinum blonde witch sighed, keeping her wand pointed at Amanda. Hannah and Barbara were with her as expected but stayed behind her to let their leader handle things.

"Honestly Akko, why must you keep getting into these situations?"

"Don't ask me! I don't even know what's going on!"

Diana, on the hand, could make an accurate guess about the situation. Even though she felt weighed down by the same suffocating and heavy aura exuding from the person in Amanda's form, Diana was more knowledgeable about supernatural occurrences than Akko. She's also done more research than Lotte and Sucy, so she was able to recognize this kind of magic power.

"I do not know who you are. What is your purpose for masquerading as Amanda O'Neil, succubus?"

Even someone with such poor magical abilities as Akko was familiar with that term. She's read enough fantasy books and seen movies to have some experience with it.

"Eh? Succubus? You mean one of those demons that seduce people? Wait, a succubus just tried to kiss me?!"

No one paid Akko any mind. But that flirtatious smirk thrown Diana's way did not look right on Amanda's face at all.

"Oh? Talented _and_ knowledgeable. You're turning me on even more."

And hearing Amanda's voice speak those words and direct them at Diana of all people was even stranger to Akko.

Not for the first time, Akko wondered how Diana could keep a straight face. Even Hannah and Barbara were grimacing behind her. The succubus' mannerisms did not suit Amanda O'Neil at all.

Speaking of which…

The sound of thundering and rapid footsteps brought Akko's attention to the side. A blur of orange hair came rushing in, stopping a few paces from where Lotte was now standing. Behind her, the rest of the green team caught up to the furious-looking American witch.

"What the heck is going on?! Someone explain things to me!" she demanded.

"Ah, that's the real Amanda," Sucy said, also standing up from where she had fallen on the other side of the succubus. "Even if she is only wearing her undergarments."

Everything was so weird that being underdressed was the lowest of their priorities right now.

"There's two Amandas?!" Akko shouted.

"Obviously that one isn't me!" Amanda yelled. "She took my clothes after knocking me out!"

Constanze wrote something down and held up a sign that said, 'We found her in a broom closet.'

Jasminka stayed silent. She took a chip out from her bag and munched on it, seemingly unperturbed by the current situation. Sasuga Jasminka.

"But how'd you get knocked out, Amanda?" Akko asked.

"I-!" Amanda choked up and blushed at the memory. "Damn it, I don't know. I just remember some random girl kissed me and then I blacked out."

"You're not a bad kisser, if you want my honest opinion," the Amanda-impostor commented offhandedly.

"That was my first kiss, damn it!" Amanda yelled, anger flaring again.

"What is with you girls and first kisses? Honestly, it's nothing special. I've had so many kisses that I can't even remember what my first one was like."

"It's important to a young maiden!" both Akko and Amanda shouted.

"Well, in any case, I've wasted enough of my time and energy here. I'll be claiming my prize now."

The air around them crashed down with such intensity that it more than doubled the dense congregation of magic. It was suddenly difficult to breathe; instead of oxygen coming in when their lungs expanded, they could only inhale the succubus' magical energy. A tumultuous cascade of feelings, but the most powerful of them…

 _Lust_.

"You don't have as much in quantity, but this kind of exquisite taste… I want more of it!"

The succubus shot forward. Despite the heaviness weighing down on the witches, she moved with the speed and fluidity of a charging horse. The girl readied their wands and tried to concentrate through the intense need to heave, but it was not Akko that the succubus was aiming for.

The succubus stopped in front of Diana, swatting her wand away with barely a flick of her wrist before the witch could even begin to mutter a defensive spell. She placed both hands around Diana's face like she did with Akko before. But unlike last time, there was nothing stopping the succubus from doing what she wanted.

"Chuuu~"

A full kiss on the lips. As soon as they were connected, a violent surge of energy shot out from the succubus and spread throughout the field. It knocked the other girls off their feet and sent them scrambling in different directions. The succubus herself had shed her clothes and appearance, reverting back to her original form, a true demon from hell.

Diana could not move. Her eyes widened for only a second before they began to close, her body falling limp. The succubus held her up with ease, tucking the unconscious witch to her ample chest.

"It would've been easier to transport you if I had just mind-controlled you, but you might actually be strong enough to break through the enchantment. This will have to do for now. Please bear with it, my sleeping beauty."

Akko rolled to the side, groaning from the force of her fall. She looked up and saw a winged demon with flowing pink hair and large breasts princess-carrying Diana off to the sky.

"Wha- Diana?!"

"I can't waste anymore time. I have a wedding ceremony to begin. Ta ta!" The succubus gave one final wave. With a large beat of her wings, she took off through the skies away from the fallen witches.

"Eh? EHHH?!" Akko jumped up from the ground and clutched her head. "So Amanda was kissed and knocked out and thrown into a broom closet and then that thing became Amanda and tried to kiss me but then kissed Diana instead and now there's going to be a _wedding_?!"

Lotte joined Akko by her side. But rather than calm her down, she was also too worried about the implications of everything that happened. "We have to stop her! If the succubus manages to drain enough energy, she can cause massive destruction!"

"Wha?! That sounds terrible!" Akko paused. "Wait, but how? Diana's just one person. I mean she's amazing and all, but can the succubus really become that strong with just her energy?"

"Succubi live off of the energy of humans," Sucy explained. She was calm like always, but Akko noticed a rapid shifting of her eyes that indicated she wasn't completely unaffected by what just happened. "Usually lust is the best kind, but magical energy that humans have are the best quality for a small amount. And since Diana is from a long line of witches, she's as high quality as you can get."

"So then what? The succubus is gonna marry her and turn her into a sex slave?!"

"No, but the succubus will probably suck out all of Diana's magical energy until she's nothing but a lifeless doll. And then she can wreck havoc on the world."

"EHH?! That's not good at all! We have to stop her!" As Akko was about to run off to do just that, she realized she didn't have the most important information needed. "Uh, where do we go exactly?"

"Well, there's only one church around here that the succubus can go to enact a wedding ceremony," Lotte said. "We can start there?"

"YOOOSH! Let's go, everyone!"

"We should probably bring Hannah and Barbara to the infirmary though," Lotte said, glancing at the two still unconscious witches. "They look like they took a serious hit to the head."

Sucy studied the whites of their eyes. "They're probably just in denial about the succubus kissing Diana. They're fine."

Akko crossed her arms over her chest and grunted. "We can bring them to the infirmary first. And then we're going to stop a wedding!"

Amanda cut in. "I'm joining you guys. There's no way I'm going to pass up the opportunity to pay that succubus back for catching me off guard. And besides, it'll probably be great to see Diana in a _wedding dress_ , don't you think, Akko?"

"Eh? Oh, I guess. I've thought about it a few times bu- Hey Amanda! What are you trying to imply?!"

* * *

After dropping off Hannah and Barbara, they went to pick up their brooms and the Shiny Rod. Something told Akko that it was better to have it with her than to leave it behind. There was a high possibility that she would need it.

The sole church in Blytonbury was a small building that could hold only about a hundred people. It was able to hold a small procession of people for the weekly prayer every Sunday. Along with the occasional wedding and small events, it was not used for much else.

Akko pressed her ear against the door, trying to listen to whatever was going on inside the church.

"I can't hear anything. The door's too thick!"

"Let me try something," Lotte said. She took out her wand and pointed it at the door. " ** _Planus Audite_**."

A soft, yellow glow washes over the surface of the door. After it subsides, Lotte presses her ear against the door in place of Akko.

Lotte gasped. "They're about to say their vows!"

"Isn't that at the end of the ceremony?! That means we're almost too late!" Akko cried.

Amanda was already rolling up the sleeves of her shirt. "What are we waiting for? Let's crash a wedding!"

Lotte, ever the voice of reason, shook her head. "Wait a minute, I don't think we should go recklessly charging in. Maybe we should think about what we're going to do."

No sooner had she finished speaking, Akko ran past her and threw open the doors with a strong kick.

"I object!" she shouted at random, just in time as the priest asked for any objections.

"Why do I even try?" Lotte groaned.

"I now pronounce you wife and wife," the priest continued as if nothing had happened.

"You're just going to ignore me?!" Akko yelled.

"You may now kiss the bride."

Amanda charged in, wand ablaze. "Stop the we-! Wait, is that Diana? That's a pretty nice suit she's wearing."

"Oh, it does look really nice on her." Akko cocked her head to the side, letting her eyes examine the nice tailoring of the black tuxedo. "I like how it's a perfect fit for her body. I wonder how the succubus got the time to-"

"Akko, I think there's something more important right now than how Diana looks in a suit!" Lotte interrupted.

The succubus paid them no attention and proceeded with the ceremony. Rather than simply kiss the still-unconscious bride, the succubus untied the bow tie around Diana's neck and parted the collar of her dress shirt. The succubus wrapped one hand around Diana's head and tucked her face down onto the succubus' shoulder. With her neck fully exposed, she leaned down with her fangs elongated and prepared to puncture the soft skin.

The air was thick and oppressed by the succubus' aura as she prepared to take Diana's magic energy. It was hard for any of them to even breathe, let alone rush to the altar to stop her.

Akko tightened her grip on the Shiny Rod in her hands.

(What do I do?!)

In fact, Akko didn't have to do anything. Constanze came up beside her and crouched to the ground. She took out something from her pocket and handed it to Stanbot, who waddled down the aisle without feeling the burden the humans felt. It walked up the altar, dropped the item down by the succubus and Diana's feet, and waddled back to Constanze. Nothing happened as it was walking back. But as soon as the cute little robot was back with its owner, all hell broke loose.

For Stanbot just dropped a bomb that caused an explosion with such force that all of the occupants of the church were blown off their feet and/or out of their chairs.

Akko coughed, trying to regain her bearings as the smoke started to clear. "Wahhhh?! Constanze?! Why did you blow up Diana?!"

Constanze held up a sign that read, 'None of you were doing anything.'

"But did you have to blow her up?!"

'She's fine,' was written on another sign.

The explosion had created a hole through the ceiling, but it successfully separated the succubus from Diana. The witch-in-a-suit was still unconscious, but at least she was out of her bindings and in one piece. There was smoke emitting from her body and her clothes were a bit burnt and covered in dust, but alive nonetheless.

The succubus herself was staying afloat in the air with strong beats of her wings. Her pure white wedding dress was ruined, but she didn't seem to be too injured either.

She clicked her tongue. "Always interrupting me. This is such a hassle. I'm leaving."

And then she turned and left through the convenient hole through the ceiling.

"You're not getting away!" Amanda yelled. She mounted her broom and prepared to give chase. "Let's go, Constanze, Jasna!"

As the green team sped off on their brooms to go after the succubus, Akko, Sucy, and Lotte ran up to the altar to check on the unconscious Diana.

Akko was panicking. "What do we do?! Is there some sort of true-love's-kiss thing that we need to do to wake her up?! How do you wake someone up from a succubus' control?!"

"I don't know much about succubi, but that's probably not necessary." Sucy reached into her robe and took out a questionable-looking mushroom. She placed it on Diana's body and stood up, pulling Lotte along with her. She then took out her wand and said with a deadpan expression, " ** _Praemium_**."

The mushroom on Diana caught on fire, and then promptly exploded on Diana and in Akko's face.

"Wha- What the heck Sucy?!" Akko jumped up and stuck her charred-black face at her roommate. "What was that for?!"

"I didn't actually think that would work. I don't usually like using test subjects that aren't Akko, but it seemed like a good opportunity."

"So you blew up Diana?!"

"The fumes act as a stimulant to wake someone from unconsciousness," Sucy explained as if this was an everyday occurrence. "Look, she's awake."

Diana rolled to her side and coughed into her hand. Her clothes were even more ruffled now with parts of the suit destroyed from the second explosion. Her hair was in disarray, but it surprisingly retained its shape without turning into an afro, despite the double explosion from such a close proximity. It must had been the power of rich-girl hair.

"What - _cough_ \- what is going on?" Diana asked. She sat up with her hands behind her back and looked down at her sharp, if not slightly damaged black tuxedo. "Why am I wearing men's formal wear?"

"You got married to a succubus," Sucy told her bluntly.

For once, Diana's surprise was clear on her face. That was not what she was expecting.

"I'm sorry, I do not follow."

"The succubus put you under a spell so you were unconscious for the whole time but she was going to suck your blood and take your energy or something but it's okay because we stopped it!" Akko sputtered out.

Diana only blinked at her. She wasn't sure what to say. This seemed outrageous even for Akko's usual absurdity.

Sucy pointed to Diana's left hand. "Just look at your ring finger. You basically have a demon for a wife."

There really was a gold band around her ring finger, as Sucy indicated. It wasn't anything fancy, but if she looked closely she could see the words 'Lovers until death' engraved onto the surface of the ring.

Diana took a deep breath. She had to calm herself down. Everything was fine. Being the wife of a succubus wasn't the end of the world. No, since the end of the world hadn't come yet, that meant the ceremony had not been completed. Like Akko had said, they had stopped it before it could be fully enacted.

"Where is the succubus now?" Diana asked instead.

Akko looked up at the sky through the giant hole in the ceiling. "Amanda and the others are chasing her right now. I wonder if they've caught her yet."

Half a second after she finished speaking, a pink and purple blur shot down from the hole in the ceiling and landed right beside Akko. Before the others could react, the succubus placed one arm around Akko's waist and pulled her in. With her free hand, she pulled open the collar of Akko's uniform.

"Well, Plan B went up in smoke, so I guess I'll go back to Plan A."

And then she dipped down and bit into the side of Akko's neck. As soon as her fangs punctured through Akko's skin, magic surged from the succubus' body. But unlike before, her entire being was glowing an eerie pink color. As she seemed to brighten, Akko appeared to look weaker. Her skin lost its color and turned as pale as a sheet. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head.

The succubus released her hold on the unconscious girl. Lotte shot forward and caught Akko before she could hit the ground.

The succubus' body was glowing and growing with power. Her pale skin began to turn pink, then settled as a dark, blood red color. A pair of large, curved horns grew out from her forehead. She was already twice her original size and continued to grow larger as the energy assimilated in her body. Any bigger and she won't be able to fit through the hole in the ceiling.

"Ohhhhhhh, I knew I should have just stuck with you in the first place! I haven't felt this much pleasure in _centuries_."

The strengthened demon beat her wings in preparation for take off. If she was not stopped, who knew how much destruction she would cause before she could be stopped?

Diana reached into the suit jacket to pull out her wand and stop her. But all her fingers grasped was fabric.

(I do not have my wand?!)

The succubus winked at the remaining conscious girls.

"Ta ta~"

She shot through the ceiling and into the sky, beating her massive wings with enough force to blow those remaining off the ground and tumbling into the church seats. Her increased size did not fit through the door, but with the amount of power she now had it was child's play to simply smash through what little the opening was.

With her goal accomplished, the succubus prepared to do what her heart desired. Well, that was to have sex. But she settled on destroying a few cities first.

Back in the church, Diana pushed one of the wooden benches off of her before it could continue crushing her body. She stared up at the open ceiling.

(I cannot pursue her without a wand or a broom. No, what takes precedence right now is…)

Diana's eyes scanned the dusty and half-destroyed church for her classmates. One of the rubble piles fell apart and revealed a mushroom covering the body of a certain Sucy Manbavaran. She appeared to be relatively unharmed with her usual deadpan expression.

Well, that was one witch accounted for.

Diana heard a small cough from another pile not too far away. Making her way over, Diana carefully removed the benches and debris. Diana started to make out Lotte's back as more of the debris were pushed off.

Diana could guess what had happened based on what she saw in front of her. Lotte had placed herself on top of Akko to protect the unconscious witch from the danger she could not move from. It had been the best decision in the dangerous situation, but that did not mean Lotte did not suffer from that choice.

Diana gently helped Lotte up from her current position and laid her on the ground next to Akko.

"Are you okay, Lotte?" Sucy asked before Diana could herself.

Diana glanced behind her. Despite Sucy's normal flat tone, Diana noted a flicker of emotion pass by the potion-loving witch's expression as she stared down at her friend.

Lotte grimaced but managed to answer. "It-It hurts, but I'm okay. What… what about Akko?"

"Akko is still unconscious," Diana answered. "But she appears to be unharmed."

Although it caused a tremor of pain to spread throughout her body, Lotte still allowed herself to sigh in relief. "That's good…"

"Unfortunately, my mushrooms aren't very good for healing," Sucy said.

"I may be of some assistance. May I borrow someone's wand?"

Sucy handed Diana hers without a second thought. Diana chanted a quick healing spell over Lotte's small form. A warm, green glow enveloped her body. Once the spell did its job and its effects wore off, Lotte fell into peaceful unconsciousness.

Dian retracted Sucy's wand and handed it back to her. "She should be alright now. However," she glanced at Akko's prone form, "it is Akko we must worry about."

"I can use another mushroom to wake her up with its fumes like I did with you. Akko is used to things exploding on her anyway. I'd just have to use Lotte's wand. You used up the last of the magic stored in mine with that spell just now."

Diana chose not to comment on that, nor of the implications that Sucy used an _exploding mushroom_ on her.

"I am not confident its effects will work this time. Akko has had her energy depleted almost completely. It is different from a simple spell rendering one unconscious. Although we could test it, I do not want to risk injuring Akko in the case of failure."

"Then what else do you suggest?"

Diana pondered this. What she thinks of actually causes her cheeks to tint.

Sucy decided to file that away for future blackmail.

"I recall a method to replenish internal energy by the way of transfer from another human. Although it involves… contact by the lips."

"So a kiss?"

"There are other methods, but we do not have the supplies to perform the transfer that way. And if we do not act quickly…"

The two glanced down at Akko. Although she was still unconscious, her pallor was looking paler by the second.

"Things aren't going to look good," Sucy deduced. "I'm not kissing Akko."

"The success rate will be higher if the one transferring their energy has enough to sustain both themself and the one they are transferring to. In that case, I am the more viable choice. Perhaps you will not need to… kiss Akko."

Diana worded her reason with sound justification. But to Sucy, it may had been a pitiful attempt hide her true intentions.

(Or I'm just looking into this too much.)

"Well, I'll let you save Akko this time then," Sucy said. "Better not waste more time. We still have a crazy succubus to stop."

Diana understood this. Yet, even as she came closer to Akko and stared down at the unconscious girl, she could not stop the hammering in her heart.

(It is only to replenish her energy. Why is this such an issue?)

Diana steeled herself. She picked a comfortable position and began to bring herself lower Akko's soft, inviting lips.

On the side, Sucy was having a field day. She brought up her wand and prepared to take snapshots of the decisive moment. The grin on her face was sadistic enough to rival the succubus.

(Oh, I am definitely saving this for later.)

Diana dipped her head down. Their faces were so close that Diana could feel her radiating body heat clash with Akko's cold, unconscious form.

Their noses brushed.

Sucy leaned in closer, wand held at the ready.

Diana turned her head slightly and lowered her lips…

… only to be knocked off of her feet by a screaming Amanda.

"Hey you guys okAAAAYYYYYY?!"

* * *

To understand the situation a bit better, let's go back a few minutes.

The green team raced back as soon as the succubus suddenly did a one eighty and changed course, heading back the way she came from. On the way back, they saw the giant demon shoot through the roof of the church - it was hard to miss - but they couldn't make it back in time to stop her.

Amanda had sped ahead in an attempt to check on those remaining in the church as soon as possible. But her amazing broom skills could not account for the uncontrollable velocity at which she had flown in. It also didn't help that her magic decided to poop and run out right after she flew through the hole of the church roof. So trying to maneuver the broom and land safely wasn't even an option.

Which resulted in her not stopping in time and crashing into the ground, rolling her head right into Diana's.

The force knocked the blonde witch back and flat onto her back. But for Amanda, she landed in a rather precarious position.

The click of a shutter.

"Oh, that was unexpected," Sucy deadpanned. "But this is good blackmail information too."

For she just snapshotted an image of Amanda O'Neil with her lips coincidentally on Akko's.

The effect was immediate. There was no fancy shower of energy or anything of that sort. Akko simply shot straight up from where she laid, consequently throwing Amanda off of her. Her pale skin started to return to its usual light tan. Within a few moments, it looked almost as if nothing had happened to Akko.

"Wha- I'm awake! I'm not going to be late for class!" Akko blinked. "Wait, this isn't Luna Nova. Wait… we were in a church… and Diana was going to get married in a handsome suit… Wait! Where's the succubus?!"

No one answered her. In fact, Akko couldn't understand what was going on at all. There was too much happening at once and no one was explaining anything to her.

The church was half demolished.

The original attendants of the wedding were completely unconscious and covered in rubble.

Constanze and Jasminka had just arrived and were just as confused as her.

Diana was off to the side, clutching her head.

Lotte was unconscious. She didn't appear to be hurt beyond the dirt covering her clothes and face. So Akko assumed she was just asleep.

Amanda was trying to rub something off of her lips while her face glowed bright red. She was muttering something along the lines of 'I lost my second kiss already?! And to Akko?! I guess that's not worse than a succubus but-'

And Sucy was grinning at her with such evil intent that Akko was starting to think about switching rooms for good.

Finally, Diana spoke. "Amanda O'Neil, if you had not just saved Akko, you would have more worries than losing your second kiss."

"Eh? Amanda saved me? From what? I don't get it. What happened to me anyway? Someone tell me already!"

Sucy chuckled wickedly. "Well, I guess Amanda was also a good choice. She's usually rowdy enough to rival Akko. It's expected she'd have enough energy to replenish Akko's reserves."

"Are you implying we're a good match or something?!" Amanda shouted. "Like I'd ever want to date Akko!"

"Of course not. If Akko ever got a girlfriend, I wouldn't be able to test my poisons on her anymore. She might start staying over at her girlfriend's place. That's not acceptable."

Akko was starting to reach her breaking point. "Why are you guys talking as if I'm not here?! And I have no idea what's going on! I don't have a girlfriend!"

"We're all aware of your single status, Akko," Sucy stated.

"Then someone tell me what's going on!"

Her question was answered by the screaming outside of the church. Although the walls were thick, there was still the giant hole blasted through the ceiling. And after the succubus had charged through it, the ceiling was basically nonexistent as of now. That meant sound was free to travel into the church for the six witches to hear.

"We do not have time for this," Diana said after regaining her composure. There was a purple bruise already forming above her left eye where Amanda collided with her, but that was the least of her worries right now. "We must stop the succubus before the damage spreads."

"But how are we supposed to stop that thing?" Amanda asked. "The last time we saw it, it got really big. Not to mention the amount of magic oozing out of it. Even I could tell that thing's bad news."

"Not to mention we're all out of magic," Sucy reminded them. She extended her wand to show them her empty battery as an example. "How you guys managed to fly for that long out there is a mystery already. But you should be all out by now."

"Who knows? Some kind of weird inconsistency maybe? In any case, Constanze should still be able to fly with her broom, but it won't be very fast."

"However, that does not solve our main problem," Diana interjected. "In the end, we still do not have a way to stop the succubus if we are wandless."

"The Shiny Rod!" Akko held up the treasured item. "Chariot shot down a dragon with it before. I'm sure a succubus won't be a problem!"

But Amanda had to be the one to burst her bubble. "Akko, that was during a show. And you're not Chariot. Can you even do the stuff she's done?"

"Hey! We won't know until we try!"

Diana sighed. "I hate to concede, but Akko is right. There is no other option."

"Alright!" Akko pumped her arms up with an overabundance of energy. "Constanze, take me to the succubus!"

"The rest of us should search the city for any wounded or those who need assistance," Diana suggested.

"I'll stay here with Lotte," Sucy said. She pointed down to her unconscious roommate. "I doubt the succubus will come back here, so it makes this area the safest place for now."

Akko nodded. "Okay. Let's go, everyone!"

With Constanze's mechanized broom, Akko and Constanze took off into the sky. Diana, Amanda, and Jasminka ran out through the entrance of the church to search the town and offer whatever help they could.

"Man, I wanted to help Akko give that succubus a nice sucker punch," Amanda complained. "All the damage she's down, Akko better knock her out good."

"It cannot be helped. Without magic, we are only a liability. There is not much else we can do but help the townspeople who have been caught in the succubus' rampage," Diana said.

"Tsk. I know that. Still rubs me the wrong way though."

The three prepared to spread out. It would be easier for them to cover more ground if they did not stay together.

"Then, I will search this side," Diana said, pointing off to the right side.

Amanda started heading toward a different side. "I'll take this part then. Jasna, take the opposite side."

Jasminka gave a shout of approval and nothing else. The three then went their separate ways.

* * *

Things were not going well on Akko's side.

The succubus had noticed them easily with her heightened eyesight and vantage point. Not that Akko had done anything to conceal herself.

The first thing she did when the succubus came into view was shout, "Hey horny! What do you think you're doing?!"

The succubus was too powerful at the moment to even be annoyed. Akko's presence only amused her. The succubus was confident enough of her augmented powers that the Shiny Rod did not seem to affect her.

"Oh? Come to stop me? Now that's an interesting thought. What shall you do? Shoot me out of the sky?"

Akko blinked. "No, I'm going to-! Wait, that's a pretty good idea." She stood on top of Constanze's broom with unrealistically perfect balance and began to activate the first word. " _Noctu Orfei_ …!"

"At least be original about your ideas," the succubus groaned. She wasted no time. She shot toward the two witches with blinding speed.

Akko could barely say the third word of the phrase before she found herself detached from Constanze's broom and falling through the sky. The succubus had not hit them directly, but the air currents created by the force of her flight was strong enough to blow them away.

Akko looked down at the painful landing coming closer and closer as she fell. She couldn't see Constanze anywhere. And there was no Amanda or Diana to save her with their superior flying skills.

"AHHHHHHH! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEE?!"

But luck was on Akko's side that day. Instead of colliding with painful concrete or brick, she felt herself being tugged by numerous fabrics held by clothespins on rope. The clothes and blankets she fell on top of successfully stopped the momentum of her fall enough so that she did not become an ugly splat on the floor.

The landing still hurt though. It was something she was used to - and at least she wasn't dead - but it still left its own bruises and sore pride.

"Owie…" Akko looked up at all of the clothes she fell through. "I can't believe people still hang their laundry out in the open like this. Thank goodness for outdated practices."

The current situation caught up to her, reminding her of the task she had taken up.

"Oh no, where's the succubus?!"

Said demon was nowhere in sight. Most likely, she had gone back to her terrible rampage and had deemed Akko a pest not worth killing.

"I hope Constanze is okay. But now I can't fly around to find the succubus." Akko shook her head. That minor mishap didn't change her objective. "Gotta find that succubus. Everyone's counting on me!"

As Akko ran off on foot to stop the succubus, three witches on the other side of town were trying their best to do some damage control.

From their surveillance, it seemed most of the townspeople had fled the moment a giant succubus was seen flying around and being chased by three witches. Those who had not cared had an instant change of heart when they saw that same succubus - now three times bigger and an infinite times scarier - burst from the church once again and start destroying the town left and right.

For now, Amanda, Diana, and Jasminka were doing their best to look for any stragglers who were caught in the crossfires and could not make it out in time.

Amanda stood on top of one of the few intact buildings. With this vantage view, she could see most of the ruined town.

As well as the cursed demon herself.

"What are Akko and Constanze doing?" she muttered to herself. "I can't see them anywhere. I thought they were supposed to be chasing the succubus. Don't tell me they got shot down?!"

With that thought in mind, Amanda started to make her way toward the location she last saw Akko and Constanze. And if she couldn't find them there, she would change course and follow the path of destruction the succubus was leaving in her wake. She would at least find Akko that way.

Speaking of the walking disaster…

Akko stopped and used the wall to lean against for support. She had been running nonstop for what seemed like hours. However, only a few minutes had passed. She was athletic, but that didn't mean she could match a flying succubus high off of her life energy.

"Mou…! How did things even get this crazy?! What did I miss after falling asleep?!"

Having enough of her own whining, Akko took a deep breath and took off running toward where she thought she heard destruction last.

Meanwhile, with the search and rescue group…

Jasminka had found a nearby demolished bakery and decided to ransack it for some leftover food. Her stomach had been complaining since arriving at the church. She couldn't say no to her stomach.

And no, it wasn't stealing. She did remember to leave behind a few coins to pay for the food.

With Jasminka eating and Amanda running after Akko, Diana was the only person who was actually looking for anyone who needed help. Sasuga Diana Banana, always the diligent worker.

Currently, she found herself lifting a piece of rubble with her bare hands. She didn't have strength like Jasminka, but she could do enough to allow the little boy trapped underneath to scooch his way out and not remain crushed under the debris.

After the boy managed to crawl out, Diana dropped the burden and wiped the sweat from her brow with her dirt dress shirt sleeve. Down to her dress shirt, she was covered in soot, ash, and sweat. Not a usual image for a perfect ojou-sama.

Because of the heat created from numerous fires, Diana opted to take off the black suit jacket and white vest to prevent herself from overheating. She had then given the jacket to someone who was taking a shower when their building collapsed.

The victim was fine. The only thing damaged was probably his pride. He was blushing profusely when Diana handed him her jacket with a poor attempt at a straight face. She did nothing to stop him when he shouted he was fine and ran off on his own.

Diana declared to herself that she did not want to see another naked man ever again.

Today had been one mishap after the other. First she had her first kiss taken by a succubus, then gotten married against her own will to said succubus, and then saw the jewels of a naked man in all of his glory.

Really, what a terrible day.

Back to the current survivor, Diana asked to ascertain whether he was injured.

The boy shook his head. "I want my mommy and daddy."

Well, Diana was the last person to say that to. She had none to provide. So she did the next best thing.

"I do not know where your parents are, but I can take you to a safe place where they will most likely be."

"Okay!"

The boy grabbed onto Diana's hand threw her a beaming smile. Other than that, let Diana lead the way.

Diana learned that the boy's name was Thomas. He asked her all sorts of questions as they walked through the ruined city. He started off with asking who she was, what she was doing in the city, why she was sticking around to help stragglers, and other questions Diana answered without a problem.

Then he started asking why she was in a dress shirt and slacks. Oh, and got kind of upset when he saw the gold band around her ring finger.

Diana assured him that the wedding was a fluke and not to think much about it. But perhaps that reply was not the best answer to give. Now Thomas looked like _he_ wanted to marry her.

For the life of her, Diana just wanted to stay _single_. She didn't have time for such commitments. The only relationship she could accept was being married to school. And even that was a stretch. Because eventually she'd have to get a divorce and throw herself into Cavendish family business.

Not yet though. Luna Nova was her life for now. Where a certain walking disaster needed to be attended to at all times. Oh and her studies. Yes, being a good scholar was important. That walking disaster was just a secondary concern. Yes.

Diana was saved from answering anymore awkward questions when the succubus suddenly landed in front of them.

Thomas' eyes nearly flew out of its sockets. His sight was locked on the succubus' transformed body. All thoughts of marrying Diana evaporated from his mind. He was practically foaming at the mouth just from being in the succubus' presence.

… Little boys were so immature and weak.

"Why hello, my beautiful wife," the succubus greeted with a sultry voice. "I did not expect to meet you again as I scavenged for survivors. What a fine coincidence."

"...I would rather you not address me in that manner."

"Oh? But you don't deny that we're married. You're even still wearing our wedding ring!" The succubus looked down at her own empty ring finger. "Unfortunately, mine was destroyed during the transformation. Don't worry, that girl who possesses the Claiomh Solais may have a nice dose of magic, but I can never get enough of your exquisite taste."

"..."

Truthfully, Diana did not know why she kept the ring on her finger. Even though she referenced it quite often - meaning she remembered its existence - she never took it off. It fit well enough for it not to be a bother to her.

Instead, Diana replied, "Removing the ring does not change our positions. Yours was destroyed, yet you still claim that we are married. Hence, there would be no difference to the situation if I took my ring off."

"But you're not denying the marriage~"

"... I suppose I will simply have to become a widow."

The succubus smirked, a deadly and provocative combination. "Oh, with what power?"

Diana's reciprocating smile threw the succubus off guard.

"The power of a believing heart, of course."

From above them, a certain walking disaster of a witch was heard shouting her decisive attack.

(Wait… from above…?)

"SHINYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY…!"

Atsuko Kagari was indeed falling from the sky. The Shiny Rod had transformed itself into its bow form. Akko pulled the strong back with the powerful arrow notched in place. The gleam in her eyes told everyone that she had her sights dead set on her target and would not miss.

"ARCCCCCCCCCCCC!"

Akko released the arrow straight on its trajectory. The succubus could not recover fast enough from her shock at seeing a human _willingly falling from the sky_ and holding a _giant bow_.

(Oh, poop.)

The succubus screamed as the arrow pierced through her head and straight through her body. Her large body already big from a massive collection of magical energy expanded to the point where she was a huge balloon. Unable to control the amount of energy within it, the succubus exploded in a giant explosion of bright light.

Diana brought her arms down from her face as the light died down. With that mess over, she could now hear the desperate screaming coming from above her.

"Okay that's okay but HOW DO I LAND WITHOUT DYING?!"

Diana did not want Akko to become a walking-disaster-pancake either. She looked around for anything that could help them in this situation. Unfortunately, all she could see was rubble, more rubble, Thomas who was finally starting to snap out of his stupor, and more rubble. Everything would be painful for Akko to land on.

(What do I do?!)

She prepared to do the only thing she could think of in this situation. She got in position for a running start. If anything, she would have to time her run perfectly so that she could catch Akko in mid-air and have them fall laterally instead of vertical. That would at least take some of the downward force away and not kill Akko. Without magic, this was the most she could do in this situation.

Diana sprinted forward once she deemed the timing correct.

Akko continued to cry and grasp the now smaller version of the Shiny Rod in her arms.

Diana jumped to catch her as Akko fell…

… only to grab nothing and fly through air. And fall flat on her face.

Akko did not feel any pain. In fact, she still felt the familiar sensation of dangling in air. She opened her eyes to see if she really was dead.

Only to find herself looking at the ruins of the city upside down.

Someone was grabbing on to her leg. Glancing up, she smiled at her savior.

"Constanze!"

The tinkering witch gave her a thumbs up. She was a bit bruised and banged up from her fall, but nothing too severe. Constanze had managed to find her broom at some point while she was separated from Akko. She had a feeling she would need it to save that troublesome Atsuko Kagari.

From the distance, Amanda finally caught up to them.

"Hey! Did you guys manage to beat the succubus?!" Amanda stopped next to Constanze, who was lowering her broom to dismount and put Akko on the ground. "Hey, why's Diana face-planted on the floor?"

Said witch peeled her face from the floor and stood up with what remaining grace and poise she had. She ran a hand across her face, smearing the blood dripping from her nose. At this point, anything Diana did would not help her at all.

It had been a long day. Even Diana couldn't be perfect all the time after going through so much.

"No particular reason," Diana replied. "Please do not mind me. In any case, I am glad you are safe, Akko."

Akko smiled bashfully. "Heh, thanks! Constanze saved me this time. Man, I'm going to have a long list of people who save my butt all the time."

"Well, you did beat the succubus causing all of this destruction. Even if she was high off of _your_ energy in the first place," Amanda said.

"That's not my fault!" Akko protested.

"In any case, the succubus is defeated," Diana interjected before the two could have a full argument and waste more time. "We must now deal with the aftermath. Let us return to Luna Nova and report to the teachers for further instructions for now."

Akko nodded. "Sounds like a good idea."

"Man…" Amanda groaned at the mess surrounding them for kilometers. "This is going to be fun to clean up."

* * *

The situation must had been severe if the teachers were even giving _Diana_ detention. Of course, it was lighter than the others' because of favoritism and all that, but she still found herself joining the other girls as they did the laundry as their punishment.

Their injuries weren't severe enough to warrant too much attention. The nurse in the infirmary simply waved her wand in the direction of everyone's scrapes and bruises and they were all better. She spent a little extra time on Diana's body to make sure the soot wasn't hiding anything severe.

Telling the nurse that Sucy Manbavaran exploded a mushroom on her didn't even surprise the older woman. She only shook her head at the shenanigans the red team was even dragging Diana into.

But that was all for that. Diana went to check on Hannah and Barbara for a moment and get a spare change of clothes. Then she set off toward the laundry room to join the red and green teams for their chores.

"I can't believe you only get _one hour_ of this punishment," Amanda complained. "How is that fair?"

"It's amazing she's getting even five seconds of punishment," Sucy commented. "I wonder if the professors inhaled some crazy fumes from Professor Lukić's newest potion."

Diana ignored the poison-loving witch. "I will try speaking to the teachers once more. In truth, the situation was out of our control. To assign cleaning duty for destruction that we did not cause…"

Amanda waved her hands to dismiss that idea. "Nah, I'm pretty sure Finneran just hates me and Akko. Mainly Akko, but I'm not on her nice list either."

"What did I even _do_ to deserve her hatred?" Akko moaned.

"I have a list of reasons that I've compiled over the past few months," Sucy said. "I can go get it from my desk if you want."

"Wha-?! Lotte, back me up on this!"

"Lotte's the one who wrote three quarters of that list."

Lotte smiled sheepishly. "Sorry Akko."

"Even my teammates…" Akko cried to herself.

As the red team involved themselves with their usual shenanigans, Amanda turned to the single member of the blue team here with them.

"So, Diana Cavendish the widow, huh?"

"... Please do not call me that."

"But it's true~"

"The papers were destroyed during the succubus' rampage. The priest himself also deemed the entire ceremony null because he was not in full control of himself."

"Yeah, but that's what they all say."

"If there is no official documentation of the marriage, then the marriage is not a legitimate one."

"Well, if you still have the ring then we can't just say it never happened. Where is that thing anyway?"

The logical thing for anyone to do would be to chuck the thing out the window or destroy it so that nothing remained.

Diana Cavendish did not do the logical thing.

Somewhere in the deepest corner of her room, there was a small tiny box that held a tiny band of gold with the inscription 'Lovers until death' engraved on it. The reason for keeping it was not fully known to her. But deep down in her subconscious, Diana probably planned to use it in the near future in regards to a certain brunette walking-disaster of a witch.

Not that she would ever admit it, especially not to someone like Amanda O'Neil. Amanda would never stop pestering her if she knew that she kept the ring and for that purpose.

She would just have to take that secret to the grave.

Speaking of the annoying Amanda…

"Hey Akko, how'd you think of Diana in that suit?"

"Why are you bringing that up again?!"

"Come on, you don't have to be shy."

(Diana is _right there_ , Amanda!)

Diana's back was facing Akko, so the brunette couldn't see her reaction. For Diana's part, she was trying _very_ hard not to think too much about what was going on.

At least Diana was having better luck at concealing her emotions than Akko.

"Akko, your gay is showing," Sucy commented.

"My ga- You guys!"

* * *

 **AN:** I'm wondering if I should categorize this under a parody.

This started out as an excuse for me to put Diana in a suit. Then it evolved into this 9k mess of a oneshot. I had to take a break from it for a month and then come back to it. It was pretty fun to write though.

Guhhhh, rereading this for the 100th time I noticed that my portrayal of Diana seems more like OVA+Movie!Diana than TVanime!Diana and that makes me upset guhhhhhhh.

At some point if anyone could tell, I completely forgot that witches can't use magic if they're too far from the philosopher's stone. Woops.

Someone needs to stop me from coming up with fanfic ideas in the shower. My first fic on ffn also came from shower thoughts and it's even more of a disaster than this one (though shorter).

Thanks for reading! Let me know how stupid this is :]

 **Fun Fact:** This is actually inspired by the priest!Diana and succubus!Akko art by Milk Puppy on Twitter. I'm in love with their art. A little too much.


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